Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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