Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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