i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
