i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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