Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
