True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As shirtless as possible
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
