what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
