She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
