she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You need Xanax blowdarts
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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