after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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