can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
