She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
