Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
