so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
