I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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