Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
