It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So here I am, sexting at work.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
