Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
