Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Randomize
