Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
