His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
