were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
