sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
