Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
