This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
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How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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