Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
