I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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