Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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