Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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