smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think your dad took our porno
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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