I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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