she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i think my tv is drunk
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
