he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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