I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
