So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
