So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
