i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
