I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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