3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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