Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
