Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
