What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
