if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
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I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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