I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
3 2 1 whiskey
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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