i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
