When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
