I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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