so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize