Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
