You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
