i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i've created a new STD.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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