I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
