i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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