Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
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