My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
