words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am naked and annoyed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
