Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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