dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
