non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
