Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
